I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye