Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Coffee is ready.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”