Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.