For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Here’s a meme
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
let’s discuss
Saw online –
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.