Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Current mood: Potato
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions