Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect