I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
spicy snake
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?