If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
You Might Also Like
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.