If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.