[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.