hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Try and stop me.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Hard not to take this personally
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
ACED my prostate exam!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.