Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Some people were born into their job.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.