I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
so weird how every mom was born today
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow