4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey