i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.