Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children