ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
when dads have a rap battle
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.