I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Doctors texting each other.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.