Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
🤔😂😂
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.