Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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The Compass
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.