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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?