“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
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If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.