ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?