do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother鈥檚 love.
Me: I鈥檒l see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
you know being royal isn鈥檛 a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
We鈥檙e fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they鈥檙e at the wrong house.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you鈥檇 bring to our company?
ME: i鈥檓 straight up goated. i鈥檓 efficiencymaxxing. i鈥檓 taskpilled. i鈥檓 in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we鈥檝e heard enough
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you鈥檇 defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it鈥檚 ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 馃檮
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.