1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“OMGJK” -atheists
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.