When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
me and who