Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews