[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”