If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Meat Cute
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Okay
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim