RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My dad teaching me to drive
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street