When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?