Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!