i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
God has left this place
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.