So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”