*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
(Jupiter –
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.