Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.