Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You Might Also Like
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Woke up against my better judgment again
gentlemen, hear me out
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.