Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”