Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.