If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
set yourself free xox
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.