Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”