How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Breaking news:
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.