I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
mumsnet is amazing
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
man i love columbo
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.