CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
At an art museum and I thought this was art
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Risking my life for fun.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”