I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
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We’ve come full circle
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready