No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Hit me in the face with a bird
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory