i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My typo game is string.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them