Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.