what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Ion see the issue
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.