You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Hell yeah 👍
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic